You Know What,
I have two pretty intensely difficult midterms tomorrow. I have to study for them all tonight and won’t be going to bed. It’s tough but it’s gonna be worth it in the end.
Physically just so tired and mentally unprepared.
But you know what, I came to the conclusion that in the end, everything is going to be okay. Gonna stay up, give this work my all, and let God do the rest.
#thuglyfe #realtalk
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That Awesome Moment
When you put on headphones and nothing matters anymore. Sweet bliss.
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Livin’ life
and lovin’ it.
Who cares if I’m dozing off the night before my midterm?
Who cares if I’m nodding off to acoustic versions of Rihanna’s new album?
Life is good. Gotta start making it worth every second.
Music is one of many of my means of escape.
It’s like, my own escape rope but it costs me… nothing.
I am sitting in the East Basement of Plex, attempting to study, but devoting a good ten-fifteen minutes to get lost in music. I don’t hear a thing. Distant laughter is droned out, helpless grunts and sighs no longer serve as discouragement, and I am being an undignified fool, dancing ‘cause I can and not giving a rat’s ass.
Stars never change
but PWild lives forever.
Words cannot express how much I love my PWild family.
How others see you isn’t important.
How you see yourself is the only thing that counts.
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Rambling Thoughts— The War has Been Fought.
I quit facebook, hardly go on tumblr to post anything and have really devoted my life to, well, living. These last couple weeks were tough. Probably not as hard and strenuous as I make it out to be, but enough to really push me to my limits, have me reevaluate my morals and goals, and quite simply, think. Too often do I feel as though I think way too much, but I have finally realized that though this may be true, I have been devoting too much thought on certain things that don’t matter at all: reputation, judgement, corruption, girls, and the negatives of every organization, person and event in my life.
I am done. No more of that. I get caught up on stupid facebook notifications, constantly feel the need to text people and try too hard to try. I just need to do. I posted up a facebook status before I went on this fb hiatus that said: “Yearning to yearn. Learning to learn. Living to live. Simply simple. No need to complicate things. Counting my blessings and trying to bless those who count. Naturally.” Let me break that down for you:
Yearning to yearn.
Read that again. I’m not saying I’m yearning just to simply yearn, but moreover, I am yearning and longing to actually yearn and long, genuinely. It’s not complicated. I just need to find motivation, develop desire, and must strive to be the best that I can be not because it’s simply the right thing to do, but because that’s what I was put on this Earth to do. Through my motivations and desires will I help bring people to the Lord and change people’s perspectives on what religion really is, what it really means to have a relationship with the Lord. Is mine the strongest? Fuck no. But I’m here aren’t I? I’m waking up every morning to a comfortable bed, beautiful people and life. What more evidence do I need to praise the Lord and give everything that He has put in my life, my all? I am broken but I keep moving forward because I truly believe that God will provide. If that isn’t a strong relationship, I want to know what is. Simply put, I want to yearn again.
Learning to learn.
More than just learning from everyday interactions with others, I find myself learning how to truly learn and developing useful skills to face problems and issues. There are a couple rocks I have yet to flip over but I feel like with enough time, the rocks will be beaten down by the winds and waves of His mercy, turn into sand, and add more insight into my life. I ain’t even mad. I put too much emphasis in the people in my life and I think I should stop. Caring too little is a problem, but I’ve come to the conclusion that caring too much is just as big if not bigger in terms of being problematic and burdening in my life. I have learned to learn. Lord, help me to continue that.
Living to live.
Read this post. It will make more sense.
Counting my blessings and trying to bless those who count. Naturally.
I take everything for granted. It’s the straight truth. I am too often faking or trying to hard to be happy infront of others. It used to be so natural, it used to be so real, no second guessing or thoughts needed. What happened to that? What happened to doing me, and doing that naturally at that? By realizing how blessed I am, I have discovered the need to help others realize how blessed they are, help create moments in life that they find a blessing and help. Just help.
In the end, I am striving to give everything up the Lord. I don’t care what AAIV people say, I don’t care what judging douchebags think. I know I’m growing spiritually and I know God loves me regardless, so why get so caught up on outside forces when the real truth and passion lies inside of me, through the Holy Spirit, for the greater good.
I am sick of feeling the need to prove myself to others and explain why I do the things I do. You either accept or you don’t. Regardless I will keep moving forward, listening to God and God only, asking Him to move in my life because He has true authority and altruistic, full, wholly love for me.
The war has been already fought and won by the Lord yet I continuously think I’m in the battle. I have nothing to worry about. God will provide. God will give me security, He will conjure up in me the strength to fight the fight that He already has said He won. He reigns. It’s not about me, it’s about Him.
This post is probably all over the place. I’m not going to go back and spell check or read over it. It’s not worth fussing over. God could care less whether my grammar is proper or if my contradictory rambling thoughts make sense, and in turn, I could care less.
The war has been fought. God is God and I am His humble servant. Nothing more, nothing less. I will pursue, I will fight, I will conquer, all for the glory of the Most High.
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
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(Source: capturingsights)
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Ramblin’ Thoughts
1. Can’t wait for this week to end. I had a quiz on Tuesday and an in-class presentation today. I have a midterm tomorrow and another midterm Friday.
2. I am sick of investing time in people who aren’t going to reciprocate it.
3. Button-up and tie. I love wearing sexy ass attire.
4. Kids got call-backs for PWild counselors today. Round 2 baby, and I’m really stoked for them and what they are going to bring to the PWild family.
5. Signed up to go to Fall Overnight but I really, really don’t want to go.
6. Your tumblr posts are kinda schwagg. Lower down your pride and take your own advice rather than spend all yo time critiquing others.
7. Co-workers were amazingly kind today about teaching me how to work the desk. I really hope the quarters to come will prove fruitful.
8. It’s gonna be super cool actually filming for Crystal’s project this upcoming weekend. Matthew Ki at yo service.
9. Exhausted.
10. I’m going big. When the fuck can I go home?
#overwhelmed
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Putting on a smile.
It may be the hardest thing to do at times, but it may just be the most rewarding. Smile.
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Update.
I haven’t updated this bad boy in about a month now and so I thought, what better way to update than with a picture of ME! Ahaha, I’ve just been going through a lot these past couple weeks and have encountered many amazing and horrible experiences. I’ve decided to make some novel changes in my life and can’t wait to see how much I change a year from now. I can keep rambling, but I’ll keep this short and organized:
1. To my family back in Cali, I miss you all so much and can’t wait to see you in a couple months. You have no idea how much I wish I could’ve been there to celebrate mom’s birthday and Gina’s birthday. You guys mean the world to me and though I’m only a couple states over, I feel as if I’m WORLDS apart. I hope you are doing well and not losing faith in me, but more importantly, yourself. I will be back soon, hopefully with some good grades, a healthy mustache, and a stunning smile. Chin up always. Words cannot express how much I miss you all.
2. Growin’ a ‘stache BABY BABY!
3. People are already talking about housing for next year. Do I hear PWild house?!
4. I can’t wait to surprise her!
5. DM. Causing me more thought and stress than I had thought. Maybe I’m being way too selfish (will expand later)
Hope you all are well and that you be kicking ass. Live it up and always show love.
Benison Choi
“Go big or go home”
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Mixed Emotions…
About everything and anything you can possibly imagine. Flying out to Evanston Wednesday morning. Last weekend with family. Only four full days left. Luggage is still overflowing with clothes. Nervous about the school year to come and everything I’m leaving behind. Excited to see everyone. Going to miss my family (mom, dad, sis). Going to miss eating breakfast with my grandparents and my little cousins every morning. Freedom is awesome and I can’t wait for some more liberty when school starts… but family was so good. Hearing my mom yell at me because she cares was so good. Gah…
I really just don’t know what to do with myself. Emotions, memories and thoughts are kinda flooding my mind and heart right now. I think and am confident that I am ready for what is to come, but those little specks and pebbles of doubt are sprinkled around my foundation and kinda weakening everything. I guess this feeling is normal for most kids around this time :/
A status I put up today:
“Stripped of clothing, planted infront of all my fans and surrounded by fat ass tunes, yet I am still melting in this heat. May His name endure forever; may it continue as long as the sun. Psalm 72:17”
God is good. All the time. He created the sun that so physically pained and scorched me today. In turn, he has created such emotions in my heart for a reason and can take away all doubt and worrying from me, like the hot sun beating down on my soul. May he refresh, refuel, and re-inhabit my very being.
I’m not gonna lie. Life is freaking awesome at the moment. I’m just making it harder for myself, I guesss…
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The world should look at Christians and be blown away by our love for life, our laughter, the brightness of our smiles, and the joy that overflows from our lives, homes, and churches. People should be drawn to our lives, and through them to Jesus, because the joy they see is magnetic. The apostle Paul puts it this way: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4). Paul wrote these words while sitting in jail for telling others about Jesus. His example should serve as a reminder that true joy is not about avoiding sufferings or the struggles of life. We will face hard times as we travel through this life, but we can always rejoice in the Lord regardless of our circumstances, because we find our hope in him.
Kevin G. Harney in “Organic Outreach for Ordinary People” (via sing-me-asong)
I rarely reblog, but no such truer words have ever been spoken. Always going to be striving to do exactly this.
(Source: transformingnations, via derpgela)
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A Frustrated God
Everyday for the past month or so, my sister and I have been going on night jogs together. She would be doing ASB stuff during the day and I would be trudging away at my internship, but we would somehow muster up enough energy and enthusiasm to change into our athletic clothes, fasten our running shoes, and go run. The more we ran, the more we started talking, and the more the running stopped. Walking was what we did, but we would get to share with each other our everyday mishaps or things that were on our mind or certain aspects of life that were troubling us, and I honestly loved it. It was a good feeling to actually get away from everything else and just roam the streets with someone you cared about. I don’t even like to walk, yet I try to run with this beautiful person God has put in my life, using the excuse of “getting physically fit” to spend time with her.
Every night was swell, but today, she and I got into a sort of miscommunication that threw me in an abyss or, a typhoon rather, of emotions.
I can sit here and type up the whole conversation, the matter at hand, what ignited the argument, and the overall outcome of what had happened tonight, but in efforts to keep this post short, let’s just say we took what we said to each other the wrong way, tried to prove our points, got frustrated at each other’s inability to understand and snapped.
At the end of the run, while we were a few blocks away from our house, I blew up. I started yelling, flinging my hands in the air, cussing as though nothing else mattered, and became victim to my emotions. I started with “Don’t you understand? I hate having these disputes with you. I just want one day where we were just chill.” (to which she responded “Are you saying we haven’t had ONE DAY where we weren’t chill?”), and ended with “All I want are amazing days with you. You think I came all the way from NU this summer to bicker with you? Do you not see my actions of love? You just don’t see what I’m seeing. You don’t understand my love for you.”
And that was exactly it. I had made it my goal this summer to spend time with my sister. Did I tell her this? No. Is it a secret? Not really. But I think I did everything in my power to listen to her problems, hit up her ASB meetings whenever I had days off from work to support her endeavors, ask if we can go bowling, take her out to markets to buy her candy and whatnot, yet today, ESPECIALLY today, I felt as though she continued to misunderstand my times of criticism and advice. She would respond with “I don’t like when you tell me what to do” or “I don’t like when you tell me that I NEED to do this or I NEED to do that. I don’t NEED to do anything.” And in no way am I bashing on my sister. She MUST be frustrated at my constant nagging or reminders to understand people, look at things in different perspectives, be open-minded. My attempts to advise her or give her pointers I had wished I had given myself was nothing but bickering to her, and that, well, is inevitable. But my heart goes out to her like it does for no other. She’s the only gal that matters in my life and it sucks that she doesn’t get it or that she isn’t getting the message. Maybe she is and I’m just being near-sighted, but I’m doing everything I possibly can, out of my energy and will to provide her what I couldn’t during the school year because of my distance away from her. I’m sure I went wrong somewhere. I have a tendency to think that I am always right and pride myself in stupid things and need much work on making myself a better person, but I wouldn’t be so real and harsh on her if I didn’t love her and wanted nothing but the best for her…
Well, here’s where I’m getting at. Through this experience, I kind of got a glimpse of how frustrated God must be when we fail to misunderstand the things that He is trying to tell us. Whether it be through people around us, the Word, praise songs, or even every day happenings, we have God remind (sometimes even reprimand) us of our love for the world or longing for sinful things, yet we put it to the side and pridefully go our own ways. We sometimes misinterpret His teachings as His telling us how dumb, stupid, and broken we are. To His teachings we say “Don’t tell me what to do. I hate it when you tell me what I NEED to do to be more like you” and to His criticism we respond “What do you know? Do you understand me?” We fail to take His constructive criticism as His love. We are too prideful in our ways and spend too much time trying to defend our own purity or proving a point. He only wants the best for us. He only does and shows things to us because He cares. He is “up in your face” with certain issues and feelings because He truly truly loves you. And it’s not that he doesn’t understand… who understands us better than the very Creator of our heart, mind, and soul?
I find myself reflecting on how much emotion, frustration, and tears brewed up in me when I discovered my sister’s inability to understand my love for her, and can’t help but imagine how many of these occurrences God has with every one of us, every single day. We need to love Him back and give Him everything we’ve got because He does all the same, if not more, for each and every one of us.
Today, I finally understood how frustrated God must feel when we fail to accept or even notice His love. I cannot imagine how much MORE frustration He must have of us and how much MORE love He’s given us. God works in mysterious ways. I genuinely hope to remember that all He wants to show us is His love. What an amazing God we have, to be gifted such unconditional and constant love regardless of how many times we let the ball drop.
My sister is an amazing gal and I hope that she understands my love for her some day. I hope that she understands God’s love for her every day.
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Lord, grant me the ability to walk in other people’s shoes and understand their ways or thinking process. Keep providing the pit for I will find wood to throw in the flame. Humility is key and sometimes I just don’t have it.
Gotta work on that. Sometimes I try too hard trying to explain what’s on my heart that I forget to open my ears and mind to what others have to say.
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Sometimes the best way to show you care for someone isn’t by buying them gifts and taking them out to dinners, showering them with love and being there physically to rub their backs; it’s through lending an ear, trying to understand their situations, constantly praying for their well-being, and taking them for who they are that true love can be shown.
Nothing more, nothing less.
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Happy Birthday = Happy Benison
Last year, I responded to every single person’s Happy Birthday comments in gratitude and thanks, but this year, I would like to share exactly what realizations and thoughts your posting on my wall, texting my phone, and calling me have conjured in my heart and mind today. (Nevermind. I still think I might thank each of you individually anyways.. lmfao.)
Words cannot express the happiness and joy that forms in my heart when I scroll down the abyss of comments and read the various “happy birthday”s typed up on my wall. For those of you who took the time, those valuable couple seconds to type up celebratory and encouraging words into my comment box, my heart goes out to you tremendously and thank you with every cell in my body.
So, this year was the first year in which I had a smart-phone with me during my birthday. I never have my fb notifications on so I wasn’t battling constant buzzes from wall posts and such, but instead, I manually just opened up facebook ever so often and checked my notifications… and every single time, there would be that beautiful red circle with crisp, white numbers engraved in it, and every single time, I’d open, look on my wall, and smile.
What got me the most and pretty much made me melt was not the number of Happy Birthdays I received or the number of notifications I got, but moreover, the people who commented. There were people from all over the place and from all different parts of my life. I had friends comment my wall early yesterday because of the time differences and the miles and miles of separation in which we live. I had friends from high school, junior high, even elementary school, commenting on my wall and congratulating me on nineteen years of life. Every five minutes I would check my phone and every five minutes I would be reminded of the beautiful people that have been placed in my life: that one girl who always used to say hi to me ever so often, or that one friend who did that one ridiculously awesome English project with me in high school, or that one kid who I used to eat lunch with, and so forth. Memories started to pour into my mind and the power of love really took a hold of my heart.
As cliché as this may sound, every single person that has deemed me as a friends has impacted me tremendously. And to think that I shared some kind of connection or bond with each and every one of you is insane. You have no idea how many times I laughed when you added a little extra in the comment and brought something up that we both shared in the past, or how many times I smiled at the number of exclamation points and hearts that followed the rather commonplace words “happy birthday.”
So to the homeboys/homegals that I’ve known for years and years and to the buddies I may have known for only a little, I want to thank you all for having an impact in my life. I really do everything in my power to be optimistic and altruistic in my ways, but such actions and thoughts would not have been possible if all of you were not in my life. Today was truly a day of reminiscing and of appreciating every single one of you. Even if we just said hi here and there on our ways to class or met a couple times here and there through friends, you are in my life for a reason and I don’t doubt that one bit.
Just a quick shout out to my KAC family who surprised me with an awesome cake and song this afternoon after work, Joanne Yi for buying me yummy lunch for my bday, Kerri Pang for writing a bday letter and sending it so that it gets to my house perfectly on time, AlexM/SashP/EmilyP/JordanW/LizT for calling me and so beautifully singing happy birthday, and Family for treating me out to a special dinner and making it amazing even if it’s the nineteenth time.
It truly is amazing to think that God has loved me as much to keep me alive for nineteen years, and HEALTHY at that. Such a life I do not deserve, He has given me to live. Surely I must live for Him.
Thank you guys. Sincerely.
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